Twenty-three

Annette closed the cabinet door in the bathroom and stared at the reflection in the mirror.”I’m letting you go, here’s your termination letter” Johnathan said that morning. The words hung in the air and it almost made it difficult for her to breathe.”Two” she counted. As Annette made her way to her bed she looked at a picture on her bedside table a charming young man and she ,arm-in-arm looked distinctly happy. Anne wiped off a stray tear, removed the picture and tore it.”Five” she counted. All this anger was making her hungry.”Time for a midnight snack”, she mumbled and she walked over to her fridge. The walls were lined with pictures of her as a kid with hands all messy from hand-painting, grey hands from a trial at pottery, her play-doh kit she received at 8 as a Christmas present. Anne steadied her gaze at the Law degree that hung next to these. Bland, drab words on a piece of yellowed paper. What an antithesis to all that colour she loved as a kid!”Eight” she counted.

           Wasting no time she took the frame containing her degree and smashed it to the floor. The glass broke and it’s shards were all over the floor.”Ten” she counted. She grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge and leaned against the counter as she took one long sip. The new electric whisk she’d bought sat there on the platform, gathering dust. As instinct took over her, before she could even realize Anne was grabbing flour, eggs, butter and sugar from the cabinets.”Grandma loved chocolate cake” she said as if someone standing next to her was listening. There was no one. She hummed a tune as she was stirring the ingredients in when she realised there wasn’t any cocoa powder at home.She stopped stirring the batter and began walking away from the messy platform.”Twelve” she counted. Anne chugged down her second beer.”Thirteen” she counted. It was close to 3 am and she decided it was about time she went to bed. As she made her way towards her bedroom upstairs “Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one” she counted.

            Annette’s voice almost echoed in her empty apartment or so she felt as her vision began to blur.”It’s working” she said to herself with a smirk.”Twenty-two” she counted. She collapsed onto her bed and a tiny white bottle escaped her grasp. Seven little pills tumbled out of them,she popped one into her mouth her vision still blurry.”Twenty-three” she counted. As the world around her turned a monochromatic shade of grey “Tomorrow is a new day…” she said sounding cold and disinterested. The grey had now turned to black. Once it’s gone black, there’s no coming back.

Fame in Flames

“Fame is not everyone’s cup of tea” said Dr. Cooper to which Anushka replied “Not everyone’s glass of vodka either Doctor” holding back her chuckle as a cigarette was still dangling from her mouth. Three months had passed after this conversation between her and Dr. Cooper which was also the same amount of time she’d been sober. She had many visitors while she was recuperating at the rehabilitation centre but she refused to meet every single one of them.”Let me just write my goddamn music” she would scorn at the attendant and continued to strum away at her guitar. Then came the day she left the world of pale walls, faded curtains, “discussions” with Dr. Cooper and group therapy sessions. Anushka’s friend and manager Raghu stood at the exit of the rehab next to her car. Raghu was happy that Anushka was back but he was happier now that his source of income was back too. As she neared the car both of them hugged and Raghu whispered into her ear “I got you a gig”. Anushka shrugged, got into the car and they sped off.

              The venue of the gig was a club named The Little Door, ”A good place to start afresh” Anushka thought. As the crowd cheered her name, her palms began sweating. She could use a little alcohol to calm her nerves which she usually did, but after three months of sobriety that didn’t seem like a viable option and now a little would not be enough. She clutched Raghu’s arm, he knew what was bothering her, gave her an assuring smile and screamed to overcome the loudness of the crowd “You were and always will be my favourite rockstar!”When she got on stage the bright lights blinded her, she narrowed them to adjust to her brightly lit surrounding. “I hope you lovely people enjoy tonight because it’s the beginning of many more to come”. The crowd cheered louder, she began strumming her guitar and she sang. As words became lyrics and the strumming became a tune, the crowd fell silent. The room was filled with her seductive voice. When this seductress sang of love, people believed in love and when she sang of heart breaks people disbelieved that very belief. She hit all the high notes effortlessly that night, it felt good. ‘I’ll sleep well tonight” she murmured to herself as the crowd demanded an encore. She took a bow and exited through the little blue door.

          That night as she retired to bed she’d done something she hadn’t done in a long time, Anushka dialed her mother’s number. She felt her mouth go dry as the phone rang as she didn’t know what or how much she would explain to her mother. A known, mild voice answered “Hello, beta...” then there were no words spoken only the sounds of soft sobs were heard in the background. Anushka felt warm tears flowing down her cheeks too. “Amma…I had a gig tonight and it went pretty well, Raghu said I’ll pick up all the broken pieces soon. I’ve been sober…for three months’. Silence. She could hear the beep on the other end. There was an assurance in the silence .She’d taken a step towards rebuilding what alcohol had destroyed. “If I think, I won’t drink, If I drink, I won’t think” she repeated this affirmation she’d learnt at a group therapy session. It became more of a chant and she drifted off to sleep. She began tossing and turning and woke up in the middle of the night, her body drenched in sweat. She’d experienced nights like these at the rehab but there always was an attendant around. Here it was her and her mind in which all thoughts began directing to alcohol. She stumbled out of her bed to look for her phone to call Raghu, he’d been fast asleep. “ There must be bottle lying around somewhere” she screamed as she began rummaging through her apartment. She found one hidden away in the corner of a kitchen cabinet.

                 As Anushka sat on the floor and drank that night, her life, the blinding fame flashed past her eyes. About how she’d begun drinking just a little before performances to take the edge off.How she added to the little a little more at the success parties and just a little more at the after parties. And how the little had become a lot and the occasional traversed into almost all the time. She thought of how the music blared and her intoxicated mind and body swayed to the music. The empty bottle now broke her chain of thoughts. “More” she uttered. She called a former acquaintance up with whom she would go out drinking. He was up and around she demanded for alcohol.”But…weren’t you?”he said.”That’s exactly my point, I WAS, not anymore” Anushka grinned as she spoke. A few minutes later the door bell rang, an unsteady man stood at the door with a package, Anushka walked over with a bundle of notes in her hand. Taking the package she said “ Won’t you wait?” the man nodded as if saying no “Well, I’ll keep myself company, your work here is done, get out now” she handed him the bundle of notes and slammed the door shut on his face.

            That morning as Raghu walked into Anushka’s apartment in a hurry he saw bottles strewn all around the floor. But she was nowhere to be found, Raghu’s heart began beating faster with every step he took. He opened the bathroom door only to see Anushka lying on the floor in her own vomit. Raghu panicked and tried getting her up. Then he felt her pulse. None. As he broke down he tried to remove the bottle Anushka was clutching. As it turns out, nobody could.