“Fame is not everyone’s cup of tea” said
Dr. Cooper to which Anushka replied “Not everyone’s glass of vodka either
Doctor” holding back her chuckle as a cigarette was still dangling from her
mouth. Three months had passed after this conversation between her and Dr.
Cooper which was also the same amount of time she’d been sober. She had many
visitors while she was recuperating at the rehabilitation centre but she
refused to meet every single one of them.”Let me just write my goddamn music”
she would scorn at the attendant and continued to strum away at her guitar.
Then came the day she left the world of pale walls, faded curtains,
“discussions” with Dr. Cooper and group therapy sessions. Anushka’s friend and
manager Raghu stood at the exit of the rehab next to her car. Raghu was happy
that Anushka was back but he was happier now that his source of income was back
too. As she neared the car both of them hugged and Raghu whispered into her ear
“I got you a gig”. Anushka shrugged, got into the car and they sped off.
The venue of the gig was a club
named The Little Door, ”A good place to start afresh” Anushka thought. As the
crowd cheered her name, her palms began sweating. She could use a little
alcohol to calm her nerves which she usually did, but after three months of
sobriety that didn’t seem like a viable option and now a little would not be
enough. She clutched Raghu’s arm, he knew what was bothering her, gave her an
assuring smile and screamed to overcome the loudness of the crowd “You were and
always will be my favourite rockstar!”When she got on stage the bright lights
blinded her, she narrowed them to adjust to her brightly lit surrounding. “I
hope you lovely people enjoy tonight because it’s the beginning of many more to
come”. The crowd cheered louder, she began strumming her guitar and she sang.
As words became lyrics and the strumming became a tune, the crowd fell silent.
The room was filled with her seductive voice. When this seductress sang of
love, people believed in love and when she sang of heart breaks people
disbelieved that very belief. She hit all the high notes effortlessly that
night, it felt good. ‘I’ll sleep well tonight” she murmured to herself as the
crowd demanded an encore. She took a bow and exited through the little blue door.
That night as she retired to bed she’d done something she hadn’t done in
a long time, Anushka dialed her mother’s number. She felt her mouth go dry as
the phone rang as she didn’t know what or how much she would explain to her
mother. A known, mild voice answered “Hello, beta...” then there were no words
spoken only the sounds of soft sobs were heard in the background. Anushka felt
warm tears flowing down her cheeks too. “Amma…I had a gig tonight and it went
pretty well, Raghu said I’ll pick up all the broken pieces soon. I’ve been
sober…for three months’. Silence. She could hear the beep on the other end.
There was an assurance in the silence .She’d taken a step towards rebuilding
what alcohol had destroyed. “If I think, I won’t drink, If I drink, I won’t
think” she repeated this affirmation she’d learnt at a group therapy session.
It became more of a chant and she drifted off to sleep. She began tossing and
turning and woke up in the middle of the night, her body drenched in sweat.
She’d experienced nights like these at the rehab but there always was an attendant
around. Here it was her and her mind in which all thoughts began directing to
alcohol. She stumbled out of her bed to look for her phone to call Raghu, he’d
been fast asleep. “ There must be bottle lying around somewhere” she screamed
as she began rummaging through her apartment. She found one hidden away in the
corner of a kitchen cabinet.
As Anushka sat on the floor
and drank that night, her life, the blinding fame flashed past her eyes. About
how she’d begun drinking just a little before performances to take the edge
off.How she added to the little a little more at the success parties and just a
little more at the after parties. And how the little had become a lot and the
occasional traversed into almost all the time. She thought of how the music
blared and her intoxicated mind and body swayed to the music. The empty bottle
now broke her chain of thoughts. “More” she uttered. She called a former
acquaintance up with whom she would go out drinking. He was up and around she
demanded for alcohol.”But…weren’t you?”he said.”That’s exactly my point, I WAS,
not anymore” Anushka grinned as she spoke. A few minutes later the door bell
rang, an unsteady man stood at the door with a package, Anushka walked over
with a bundle of notes in her hand. Taking the package she said “ Won’t you
wait?” the man nodded as if saying no “Well, I’ll keep myself company, your
work here is done, get out now” she handed him the bundle of notes and slammed
the door shut on his face.
That morning as Raghu walked into
Anushka’s apartment in a hurry he saw bottles strewn all around the floor. But
she was nowhere to be found, Raghu’s heart began beating faster with every step
he took. He opened the bathroom door only to see Anushka lying on the floor in
her own vomit. Raghu panicked and tried getting her up. Then he felt her pulse.
None. As he broke down he tried to remove the bottle Anushka was clutching. As
it turns out, nobody could.
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